Good Housekeeping

How do you compress 70 years of homemaking into one room?  That is the question that I've been asking myself all week.  My 90 year old grandmother (please don't tell her that I told you her age--she'd kill me) has decided that she can no longer live alone and wants to move into my mom's house.  My mom, aunt and I are here now trying to help her get her house ready for selling and moving, but it's tough.  I can see why people wait for relatives to die, before going through this process.  For one, everything in this house has a memory.  The blankets, the books, the clothes, the knick knacks, the plates, even the scraps of paper and mass market pamphlets--everything.  The other problem arises from the fact that my grandmother is of the generation that saved, reused, recycled--hoarded-- everything.  If it still had some life in it, it got used.  To you or I it might look like trash, but to her, someone can get some use out of it.  Add to that someone who is very thoughtful, but forgetful, so she buys cards to send, or picks up a toy to give, but then forgets where she put it, and so buys something else.... On top of that there is the mail... OH THE MAIL...  I think I might be in some circle of hell.  There are endless piles of mail that need to be open, sorted, and anything with personal information in it needs to be shredded.  I have been opening mail for two days and there is still mail.  Did you know that the VFWW, the Diabetes council, and many of the feed the hungry programs send money in their mailers?  Today alone I have made over $5 in money just from mailers.   And I don't mean to suggest she's a hoarder, but she's been housekeeping for at least 60 years, living in the same house for 12, and there was a long stretch of time when she was the sole caregiver for my grandfather who suffered from Alzheimers. 
My grandmother is a trooper.  My mother is relentlessly trashing things and my grandmother has tried her hardest to stay out of the way.  I know it is hard on her.  We are throwing away, and boxing up her life.   It's hard on me and it's not my stuff.  I know we are doing the right thing, but every so often I think that there has to be an easier way.  But I don't think there is.  We only have a week to spend here, I have to go back to my family (and then China), and my mom and aunt can't take any more time off work to come back.  It has to be done this way.  But I know it hurts.  I can tell by my grandmother's sad eyes as she watches the bags fill up.  It hurts, but I don't know of any other way. 

Why I do it

So DH has been extraordinarily helpful in the past couple of months and it has made my stay at home mom experience much nicer. I've been thinking about it and talking to my friends about it, and sometimes I feel a little inadequate because my grandmothers both worked full time, raised five children, cleaned and had dinner on the table every night. Keeping that in mind why should I complain about raising just one child, with little or no cleaning and lots of help from my DH?
Last night I finally hit on the answer. There are SO many other things that I could be doing. I went to school for 7 years to get a higher educational degree. I have many talents that would make me valuable to many people. Yet I choose to stay home and I believe that my special combination of talents and abilities make me MOST valuable to my family. I believe that it is an honor and a privilege to be able to stay at home with my family. That being said I want what I give to my family to be freely given, and given out of love. I don't want it tainted by what could have been or what I wish there was. My grandmothers had no choice. It was expected of them to give 150% every day. So they did it. I don't know if they enjoyed it, or always gave what they could with a smile. I know from the stories that my grandparents were tough I believed they loved their families but I don't necessarily think that their families got the best of them.
So yes, I don't vacuum everyday, take care of multiple children, and have three course meals on the table every night at 6, but I'd like to think that I try to give my family the best of me or at least give what I have to give freely and with as much love as I can on any given day. I may not always succeed, but I'd like to think that I try for the best every day. I think that the day that I stop doing that is the day that I am going to need to go back to work.

Columbus

Babes and I just returned yesterday from another trip out to Columbus, OH to see my Gparents. My grandfather turned 89 this past weekend. Unfortunately, he has reached 89 under the fog of an Alzheimer's like disease which has left him uncommunicative and unresponsive. My grandmother, who is only slightly younger than my grandfather, is still a tiny little fireball of energy and will power. She does a wonderful job celebrating his life and makes sure that no one overlooks or ignores my grandfather. When you call on the phone, you must say a word to him, if she is having a party, she will bring him home from the place where he is staying to be a part of the party. And she will try as much as possible to include him in the festivities. It is not so bad now that he lives in a nursing home, but when she was taking care of him it was incredibly frustrating. When Babes was born we drove for 12 hours to bring her my baby, but she was so busy managing my grandfather that she didn't even really look at Babes. I guess my problem is that we are so busy trying not to leave my grandfather out, that we never get to do anything in Columbus that resembles anything. For the first time, this last visit, I was able to eat at a restaraunt that was not Old Time Country Buffett. I never say anything, because I know my mom has a hard time with the situation, and I know my grandmother is doing the best she can, and the only thing she knows to do, but I'm still frustrated.